Devors – Becoming Members of Society: Learning the Social Meanings of Gender.
I had very little understanding of my particular naming as female. I began to self-identify, as other children had, early on as female. Though there was no conscience effort displayed as to my being female, I understood that my clothes were different, my hair was different; and family, friends, and school ascribed and constructed female behavioral expectations for me as they did other children. However, a profound difference was noted when my family moved from Birmingham, Al. to Los Angeles, CA. I was teased quite a bit because of my clothing and my mannerisms, so I don’t know if my noticing things female was because of a cultural differences or a true gender dysphoria.
One thing I sharply remember is my grandmothers’ warning me to keep my skirt down, which I had no idea what this meant or the consequences of pulling it up. I was early on educated that “little boys” could do anything they wanted to do, but “little girls” would be labeled and would not be able to find a husband if they lifted their skirts before marriage. This simply intrigued me, made me curious and ultimately made me feel that “boys” were allowed to have much more fun than girls were. Perhaps this is considered my introduction into gender repression.
It is difficult to remember when I began to have trouble self-identifying as female. Though being born a hermaphrodite (intersexual) I had no problem being what my parents said I was (a girl) until other desires were awakened in me. Things such as, playing house and being the father, playing doctor/patient being the doctor or even pastor/congregation and being the pastor were not things I attribute to being masculine today, however, in the 50’s and 60’s these were masculine identities, father, doctor, pastor, also these identities were associated with white men. I felt out of place. Of course my family’s perception of female coined my feminine behaviors; however, I do not know if being called a “girl” was something I was rather than something I was to do. Was being a girl about the business of washing dishes, making beds, preparing to be married and have children, I didn’t know. I did know that I had no dreams of having a husband, but I did dream of having children and a wife.
On becoming a teenager the constructed rules of gender were not working for me. I found myself cautious when showering in school because I was different “down there”. The things girls talked about for instance, I could not share i.e. period talk, bloating, cramping, bleeding I couldn’t share because I had and have never had a period. I could listen and be sympathetic, but that was it. I didn’t care what their boyfriends were like; I wanted to be a boyfriend. My biggest fear was of being reproached if someone new I liked girls, really liked girls. My friends were girls who I wanted to be intimate with, but I could never share that with anyone. There was no freedom in having ambiguous genitals, there was no where to manipulate relationships, no one on a counseling level in school that I could speak with about the loneliness I felt. The genders were very rigidly defined “female and male” and impervious to change, I was bound because the social construct was bound around me. I learned to hide, I learned shame, I learned I was a misfit, and worst of all, I learned being born different was my fault!
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